Why am I sooo damn emotional?
I’ve been separated from reality, as Im not the best problem solver. Although I may smile and act like all is well im human and struggle with things just like many other people do, because simply we don’t have to walk around looking like what we are going through. Frankly I wouldn’t want to as I can’t stand to be transparent to the point where people start to ask what’s wrong, are you ok?
Being alone in my thoughts for the past few weeks has brought to the forefront alot of things im not proud of, and also a lot of things I am proud to have accomplished. Definitely the things I’m not proud of, I know I need to work on them every single day in order to progress forward. As I said im not a great problem solver and normally don’t confront the issues, just act like they don’t exist and do other things to keep my mind off them for a period of time. Not good because those things are not healthy for me and tend to make things worse, although its great at that time. The consequences for the most part are unbearable and sometimes I think I may do it just to punish myself not sure still trying to figure it out. Keep telling myself to stop pretending and face it!
Trust, love and commitment issues have evaded me for years. It comes a point in time where it needs to be confronted and let go so whatever is for me or planned in the future doesn’t get blocked or halted because I can’t move on. When you sit in silence you realize you have a lot more on your mind than you think you do. When you write it out you tend to unveil a lot of what you didn’t know you knew and unravel thoughts and feelings you didn’t know existed. I have some serious lessons to learn and until I choose, make a decision, to face them and learn from them, I will remain where I know I’m not supposed to be, I’m so much better than this. God just lay with me and hold me so it doesn’t hurt anymore.
I swear I’m losing my mind lol, often frustrated, irritated, stressed out but still go on about my day smiling and enjoying whatever comes along. Often times just to escape myself and my current reality, I sit and close my eyes and wonder what happened to that 19 year old girl with ambition, gumption, the don’t give a fuck attitude, the girl who just did what she wanted even though it may have scared the shit out of her, still did it. Sit and just imagine where I would have been if I kept that mind frame and didn’t let things enclose me into a box in which I do not belong. I remember like it was yesterday whatever I set my mind to accomplish I did just that, whatever needed to be done, it got done. Took a wrong turn somewhere but oh well, its time to get back on the right track and find the best of me, I know it hasn’t been discovered yet. Everyone deserves to explore a better them but how many of us will actually do so? Worried about too much but no one can be super all the time. All that matters is that in the end nobody can live my life but me, so I ask myself Is finding the best in myself worth the sacrifices to obtain it?
“When we first met, I had no idea you would be this important to me, our quiet time is our quality time.”
NicoleCarter 