3am

3AM

3am knew all my stories
heard all my sighs
and witnessed my heart shattering

Author: Unknown

 

I don’t know what it is about 3 and 4am but I always awake at either time and lay in silence divulging my inner most precious feelings without saying a word. My thoughts and feelings wake me up and I guess it’s safe to say that 3 and 4am know all my secrets, even though they aren’t written nor spoken aloud!. I was curious to know if there was any significance to 3am in the bible, so I looked up a few things. Still rather confused by a lot but searching for a better understanding. Is this my prayer hour, my time to spend with God?? Is this the witching hour, my fight between darkness and light? I don’t know what it is at this time but I know it is the time I face myself inside my mind!

 

Courage

Have you ever heard something or watched something and you just knew that it was meant for you? Like, everything that you had been questioning, struggling with, praying for etc etc was addressed and either gave you the motivation to keep going or answered a troubling question in your life?

I don’t think I have ever had a feeling of that sort before until a few nights ago. It was very refreshing, comforting and uplifting among other things, an explosion of different emotions, a feeling that really can’t be described, those listed kind of gives an idea of the feeling, came over me as I watched the Gabby Douglas Story.

I’ve been through a lot in my life, good times, bad times, ups and downs. Of course, through it all, I understand that I haven’t had a rough life, like some have but it’s still my life, my struggles, my pain, my happiness, my journey etc etc. Watching Gabbys’ story displayed a tremendous amount of courage, discipline, commitment, support, faith and heart, which a lot of us lack and wonder why we haven’t accomplished our goals or obtained our dreams.  She knew what she wanted and went for it and had the backing and full support from her family, which was huggeeeeee! There was a point in the movie where she was ready to quit and give up everything. She thought she was defeated and her hard work wasn’t giving her the results she wanted, when she expected them to. This portion clearly illustrated how to push forward, have faith and know that it is ok to be knocked down because at that point you are in perfect position to pray, give it to god, get up and be better and stronger than you were before.  I think I am at this point, spiraling down fast, not knowing which way to go, just ready to give up and quit. The movie and Gabbys’ determination spoke to me, it gave me confirmation about everything and that God just wants me to be closer to him sooner. Meaning everything is hitting me so hard that I have no choice but to turn back to God. So, I did what I knew best got down on my knees and asked for the courage and strength to move forward. I know in my heart there is so much more waiting and like the coach in the movie said “A champion isn’t made of muscle, a champion is made of heart, so block out all distractions and believe in yourself”

I had to remember the reason WHY I was stepping into different zones, different ventures and it is simply because I can not do what I want to for my FAMILY and others. I constantly hold myself back from achieving things because I never fully believed I could do it. Now I know I can and it’s my responsibility to make sure my family lives well and can experience life beyond what is taught or easily obtainable.

Ask yourself do you have the courage to be the champion your family has sacrificed for?

 

Reflecting My Truth (Continued)

My past has been like a roller coaster, plenty of ups and downs but all in all they have been very insightful. I’ve learned to take every lesson as a blessing, and to grow into a better person. What I have learned above all else, is that sometimes you just have to let ALL the hurt go in order to believe in something new.  Those words alone are very comforting and very powerful.  Learn your lessons, grow stronger and be a better you, everything happens for a REASON.

Finally back on track WHOOP WHOOP, and continuing the Reflecting my Truth blog post.

That post wasn’t to bash my dad, whatsoever. It was just a collection of how I felt with him being absent from my life. I’m not saying he is a bad person, I just understand that he has to learn some things about himself, deal with his own demons and conquer them in order to get back on track. By saying that I am not saying that its cool to be absent from your responsibilities, not at all. Accept them and do what you need to do, that’s what I am doing I am accepting my responsibility to learn from the situation, step up, become stronger and move on.

More TRUTH….The last part of the blog I stated “When you are lost, angry, hurt etc., you shut down, you start to do stupid shit and that’s what I did, the bad part was I didn’t even care.”….To dive further into that statement, what I began to do for a great deal of time was very unhealthy and far from who I know I am as a person but didn’t care. I began to experiment with drugs, mostly prescription drugs, and also added consuming alcohol into the equation.  Awful combinations, always stayed high but handled my business, like that was cool. I kept up my responsibilities and lived rather well, just treated my physical body like a trash bag. Worst part about all of it was I didn’t even care, could have cared less if I woke up the next morning sometimes from all the crap I consumed from the day before. Again, there goes that image thing, nobody knew those things about me because I never let my outside appearance reflect what I was going through on the inside. Happy, bubbly, excited about everything on the outside but dead, constantly crying and depressed on the inside. Therefore, it never triggered my family nor my closest friends to ask the question “COLE, what the hell is going on with you girl?” Then again, maybe somebody did have an idea but just never wanted to ask and instead said a prayer for me.  When you are lost, darkness consumes you and steals the joy, the happiness and the light you once knew…….To be continued.