WELL WELL!!

Have you ever had an AHA moment and just was like damn girl why didn’t you pay attention the first damn time? The answer has already been given over and over again!!!

That’s what recently happened to me, a great big whaappap, WAKE UP and pay attention lol. As you guys know, well if you read some of my posts, I’m kind of a mess at the moment, trying to figure some things out. Well trying to figure ME out. Destructive, stressed, clueless and most days just depressed.

For a few months now my auntie has been calling me out of the blue and it’s almost like she knows what I need at that moment. Each time she guides me to scripture and it’s always about asking for what you want and trust the process. Clearly I’m not happy but I’m grateful for this life of mine. Its going to be a process, but a much-needed process to heal this ole heart of mine! I’m learning who I am, to love myself more and I get very frustrated because the process is forcing me to deal with some issues and choices I’ve made in the past that I seem not able to forgive myself for. WHY?

Anyways back on track, ASK!
These are some of the events that kind of transpired throughout the last few months:
I’ve been lead to Matthew 10:20 “for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.” and also Matthew 20:10 “So when those came who were hired first, they expected to receive more. But each one of them also received a denarius.” (so weird about this 10:20 number that keeps coming up). Awesome I checked into the scripture still not sure what this means for me.

My auntie has been guiding me in every conversation to “ASK”. Umm ok what am I asking for?

I read this same quote just about daily “As I began to love myself, I found that anguish and emotional sufferings are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know this is Authenticity!” Wasn’t sure why, didn’t quite understand what it meant but still something kept me intrigued and a need to read it developed.

Ran across some Oprah youtube videos about the law of attraction and asking, oh how I LOVE me some OPRAH woohoooo, but this particular book stuck out in one of the videos “Ask and it is given Learning to manifest your desires by Jerry and Esther Hicks” hmmm interesting I may pick it up one day to read. But then this book pops up two more times, once on an episode of Being Mary Jane, Gabrielle Union is so fierce on this show by the way, and also on a receipt from Barnes and Noble books you may also be interested in. YIKES! needless to say I purchased the book the same day and couldn’t help but to dive right in.

I read over half of the book that very night, something strong just took over me as I was so curious to understand what the pages were going to unleash to me. As I began flipping page after page, my phone starts playing India Arie Truth, oh yesss this freaked me out beyond measure, like what the hell iheart radio just starts playing, but anyway only the words “You know the truth by the way you feel.” stuck out to me because that was what the book was explaining in sooo many words. OKAY I’M LISTENING NOW!

The book, Ask and it is Given, talked about your guidance system. You know if you are operating in terms of who you are by the way you feel. The emotions, thoughts etc you possess or create everyday tells you how close you are to your true self, true desire. The further away you are from being happy and positive, the further you are away from your true heart desires. OK now I understand a bit more from previous books I have read, previous experiences and this very moment. I am not off track, I am right on time on this life journey of mine. Like I said its all a process we all have to be chopped, broken down, straightened out a bit in order to get to where we desire to go in life. I hit the broken down part, my knees are bruised from being on them so much. Now I’m just learning to allow God to smooth me out and be the person HE created me to be. That’s where the ASKing came from, ASK FOR HELP, you can’t do it alone. So Ask, believe and allow yourself to Receive (which is also explained in the Secret, a great read as well).

Tying this rambling manifest together, all God was trying to tell me was to ASK for HELP and trust that He will show me the way. Where was/is my faith????  Pride, lack of faith, trust and stubbornness amongst other things led me here and I’ll be damn if it keeps me here!

 

“I have the power to break free from my past and create a better life for myself.”

Hello

I was listening to Luke James “Strawberry Vapors”, love this song, and a lot of things started to flow in my mind especially at the end of the song when he says

“I got her thinking
All this talking to ya, must be a karma sutra
You all up in my mind, I’m all up in yours and it’s alright
Wow, what fun
I hope this feeling never dies, oh I
She said, hold up, hit it one more time
Oo I, Do it, love it”

Lawd! Just dabbling a bit, I grabbed a pen and paper and this is what came about:

It started with a smile and a hello
Evolved into playful snickers and giggles to subtle touches of the skin                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  And most exciting of them all, an explosion of the mind                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Amazing moments staring in the gentleness of your eyes                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Um umm boi ‘why are you so fine’
You caressed my mind, undressed my heart                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       And you kissed and licked every insecurity from the depths of my soul                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 You released me, my mind is freed and submission begins                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             Your breath from the whisper of the words ‘I need you’ made my heart burst again                                                                                                                                                                                                               All of which ignited from a dangerous smile and a sensual hello 👄

 

 

Silly Girl

I freaking love the movie, love and basketball and especially the picture above, it’s just so simple yet can bring about so many things.  OHHH and yesss your girl usssssssed to play ball, not for school or anything but don’t get it twisted though I will still lace up the sneakers and get it in lol.

 

Don’t find love, let love find you. That’s why it’s called falling in love because you don’t force yourself to fall, you just fall.

YES I believe in true love, YES I believe in fairy tales(my fairy tale), and YES I believe that there is that one person in this world that was truly placed here for me and only me. Hey, what can I say I’m a hopeless romantic but I do have a dirty mind!!!!!

I love everything about love, in its simplest form. Love to me is a gift, its art, its creative, its majestic but most important its simple never complicated. Sometimes I have those days where I just drift away and kind of dream a bit about being in love with someone, picture the things we would do together, the experiences we would share together, the love we would make and the things we would do for each other. Yes TOGETHER, I’m not selfish when it comes to love, we share the experience TOGETHER. I don’t just want to be held by someone, I want to hold them too. Being able to be truly naked with each other, not meaning unclothed, but being able to let them inside your soul, your thoughts, letting them know your fears, your hearts desires, insecurities, hopes, dreams, aspirations, know your past and your expectations for the future. Just being able to simply lay it all on the table, nothing to hide, this is all of me. That’s love in a nutshell for me, even emulating the way kids see the world around them and how easily they find the joy and beauty in things is ultimately how I feel about love.

In today’s society I don’t know if there is any room to even experience this type of love these days. I mean when someone says let’s make this official whether it be boyfriend girlfriend, girlfriends, boyfriends, or marriage. To me that means I love, cherish, respect and trust you, I enjoy you, I want to make a  commitment to be with you grow, learn and experience each other and only each other. So often times, very often times, you see people breaking that promise and disrespecting their relationship by pursuing other people. Does that title, that commitment mean anything these days?

To many times you see people fronting, putting up this facade, portraying this image that we are soooo in love and happy but really, we just together because you make me look good or you offer this and that etc a bunch of bullshit is what it is. So wanting that type of love today involves a lot of trust and I do fear it the most, could be the exact reason I don’t have it yet. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying all relationships are this way, for instance my Aunt and Uncle have an amazing relationship. They have been together for 25, 26 years now and of course they have there ups and down but they truly love each other and you can genuinely tell it. They still go on dates, do odd quirky things for each other, but most importantly they truly love one another for who they are and that in itself gives me hope.  But oh well, I’m just a silly girl waiting on her silly love to spend forever with. Until then I will continue to enjoy and learn myself and trust God, very simple!

 

Simple

Allow time to be silent and just listen. Let your soul speak, it has a lot to tell you!!!!!!!

Emotional Rollercoaster

Why am I sooo damn emotional?

I’ve been separated from reality, as Im not the best problem solver. Although I may smile and act like all is well im human and struggle with things just like many other people do, because simply we don’t have to walk around looking like what we are going through. Frankly I wouldn’t want to as I can’t stand to be transparent to the point where people start to ask what’s wrong, are you ok?

Being alone in my thoughts for the past few weeks has brought to the forefront alot of things im not proud of, and also a lot of things I am proud to have accomplished. Definitely the things I’m not proud of, I know I need to work on them every single day in order to progress forward. As I said im not a great problem solver and normally don’t confront the issues, just act like they don’t exist and do other things to  keep my mind off them for a period of time. Not good because those things are not healthy for me and tend to make things worse, although its great at that time. The consequences for the most part are unbearable and sometimes I think I may do it just to punish myself not sure still trying to figure it out. Keep telling myself to stop pretending and face it!

Trust, love and commitment issues have evaded me for years. It comes a point in time where it needs to be confronted and let go so whatever is for me or planned in the future doesn’t get blocked or halted because I can’t move on. When you sit in silence you realize you have a lot more on your mind than you think you do. When you write it out you tend to unveil a lot of what you didn’t know you knew and unravel thoughts and feelings you didn’t know existed. I have some serious lessons to learn and until I choose, make a decision, to face them and learn from them, I will remain where I know I’m not supposed to be, I’m so much better than this. God just lay with me and hold me so it doesn’t hurt anymore.

I swear I’m losing my mind lol, often frustrated, irritated, stressed out but still go on about my day smiling and enjoying whatever comes along. Often times just to escape myself and my current reality, I sit and close my eyes and wonder what happened to that 19 year old girl with ambition, gumption, the don’t give a fuck attitude, the girl who just did what she wanted even though it may have scared the shit out of her, still did it. Sit and just imagine where I would have been if I kept that mind frame and didn’t let things enclose me into a box in which I do not belong. I remember like it was yesterday whatever I set my mind to accomplish I did just that, whatever needed to be done, it got done. Took a wrong turn somewhere but oh well, its time to get back on the right track and find the best of me, I know it hasn’t been discovered yet. Everyone deserves to explore a better them but how many of us will actually do so? Worried about too much but no one can be super all the time. All that matters is that in the end nobody can live my life but me, so I ask myself Is finding the best in myself worth the sacrifices to obtain it?

“When we first met, I had no idea you would be this important to me, our quiet time is our quality time.”

An Affair of the Heart

Celibacy – An affair of the heart

Over 2 years ago I took a vow of celibacy. At the time I made that decision, I was in a very dark place not sure what I was doing or where I was going. I love sex and everything about it but it just wasn’t enough it became a game almost and truly emotionless, animalistic, predatory for lack of better words. I’m not proud of that stint of time nor am I proud of disrespecting myself in order to try and fill a void. Yeah yeah a lot of what I did stemmed from the absence of my dad, not knowing how to trust and love someone else because of not really loving myself due to past situations etc etc. I treated guys like shit and didn’t really care, I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it and they always seemed to oblige regardless of how they may have felt. During sex it was almost like a power or control thing I guess, like I can’t put it into words the way I felt but after sex came the disappointment and guilt like why did you just do that and for what nigga, get it together. Very unfulfilled and I understand that’s why I needed to make that promise, commitment to myself, it was unhealthy and a down right path to self destruction FAST.

I have tremendous commitment and trust issues and know that is why I never allowed anyone to get that close to me, even friends, so sad but hey it happens. Seriously heart-rending though and rather impersonal for the most part that even the people I associate with everyday do not truly know who I am and I do feel some sort a way about that because if we really truly care for and about each other I should be able to speak to each of them about any and everything without hesitation. This is the dumb shit but I know I am not the only person that has this issue, just probably one of the few who actually admits it and chooses to correct it.

Rambling a bit but back to the subject matter. This is the time that I allow for me to face myself, befriend the person I think I am and also to know and love the person that I truly am. This journey has allowed me to connect with my inner being and become more spiritual, intimate and passionate about things I would never have because of small distractions. I’m not going to lie I’m human and make mistakes and I truly paid the price for my mistake by allowing myself to engage in sexual activity with someone I knew I had no connection with what so ever but temptation is a bitch and he was fine but again reminded me of the reason I took the vow in the first place. So for that one decision, it delayed my process but also allowed me to think about some things and truly understand why I was doing it and the very importance of being at peace with everything. Everything happens for a reason, its either a blessing or a lesson.

Sex before intimacy, to me, ruins a lot of relationships, not financial issues, now that I pay attention to things. Intimacy is love, the little things mean so much more, a stroke of a finger on your cheek, sensual exchanges of a smile, a simple how was your day babe, looking into each others eyes and seeing everything you need, gentle kisses on the shoulder blades, being in each others company but not having to say a thing, just being, wanting to know each others hearts and learning each others bodies piece by piece, and also not being afraid to be a bit aggressive, exploring the matters of the mind, heart, soul and owning each others bodies 😆. Dammmmnnnn lol I just got excited hahaha but get the picture the simple things.
Relationships, love, intimacy is more of building a respect, a bond, a close and personal responsibility with not only yourself and someone else but also with God. Allowing yourself to be truly naked is the goal and one day I will find that person who I can be just that. He will know and understand my fears, aspirations, goals, quirkiness, insecurities, fantasies, just everything! When that person comes along and that time comes I know I have evolved and grown to love myself and open my heart to receive and experience true love, until then I respect myself enough to not settle for anything less 😁💘.
Heyyy I’m just being honest, or as everyone else says keeping it 100, how about you?

Brand New

Don’t expect a sorry, I’m discovering myself. Don’t be mad it’s a brand new time for me. WHAAAAAAAATTTT GURRRRLLLL!!!!!

I love me some Alicia Keys. Always been fascinated with her since the release of the song Fallen back in ’01, I think that’s the year. There is not one single song of hers, I can’t crank to the highest level and just get lost in.  I don’t even care if she comes out with a song about the alphabet, LOL, I’ll play it to death as well.

It’s been a recent routine to start my day off with Alicia and todays song was Speechless featuring Eve, OH BOI, OH BOI that song OH BOI! Anyways, I say that to say it lead me to a few interviews that gave me a deeper understanding of why I connected to her and her music so much.

In one interview something she said stuck with me and then my brother, Broadus, sent me a message giving me some advice and boom I started writing. Crazy how simple things, if you PAY ATTENTION, can open your eyes to much more. But what she said was a few events in her life made her say OK, it’s time for me to control my destiny. (Very fitting for myself) Something to sit and dwell on for bit! In the interviews she was open, carefree and happy, it really showed peace!

What I gathered from watching these things was that at one point in time she was lost, stayed out of the way and drowned herself in work, was far from being happy and at peace. A celebrity who has everything that most people dreamt of but it meant nothing because she didn’t really know herself.  This goes to show that, once again, behind all the glitz, glitter, glam and smoke lies hurt and pain of some sort and that’s where the true meat of your story and who you are lies.

We all have a life we live from and a life we learn from. Find your truth, be honest, love and respect yourself. Let me take that back and rephrase it for a second, once you learn how to be truthful, be honest, love and respect God first, then you can be those things with yourself and others. Getting to that place that says Here I am, this is me, love it or hate it, who cares I’m me is going to be well worth all the tests, trials, struggle, pain and hurt we each go through.

Question to think about: Who would you be if you lost everything that so called defined you as a person?

http://youtu.be/0lr80E8GO64