WELL WELL!!

Have you ever had an AHA moment and just was like damn girl why didn’t you pay attention the first damn time? The answer has already been given over and over again!!!

That’s what recently happened to me, a great big whaappap, WAKE UP and pay attention lol. As you guys know, well if you read some of my posts, I’m kind of a mess at the moment, trying to figure some things out. Well trying to figure ME out. Destructive, stressed, clueless and most days just depressed.

For a few months now my auntie has been calling me out of the blue and it’s almost like she knows what I need at that moment. Each time she guides me to scripture and it’s always about asking for what you want and trust the process. Clearly I’m not happy but I’m grateful for this life of mine. Its going to be a process, but a much-needed process to heal this ole heart of mine! I’m learning who I am, to love myself more and I get very frustrated because the process is forcing me to deal with some issues and choices I’ve made in the past that I seem not able to forgive myself for. WHY?

Anyways back on track, ASK!
These are some of the events that kind of transpired throughout the last few months:
I’ve been lead to Matthew 10:20 “for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.” and also Matthew 20:10 “So when those came who were hired first, they expected to receive more. But each one of them also received a denarius.” (so weird about this 10:20 number that keeps coming up). Awesome I checked into the scripture still not sure what this means for me.

My auntie has been guiding me in every conversation to “ASK”. Umm ok what am I asking for?

I read this same quote just about daily “As I began to love myself, I found that anguish and emotional sufferings are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know this is Authenticity!” Wasn’t sure why, didn’t quite understand what it meant but still something kept me intrigued and a need to read it developed.

Ran across some Oprah youtube videos about the law of attraction and asking, oh how I LOVE me some OPRAH woohoooo, but this particular book stuck out in one of the videos “Ask and it is given Learning to manifest your desires by Jerry and Esther Hicks” hmmm interesting I may pick it up one day to read. But then this book pops up two more times, once on an episode of Being Mary Jane, Gabrielle Union is so fierce on this show by the way, and also on a receipt from Barnes and Noble books you may also be interested in. YIKES! needless to say I purchased the book the same day and couldn’t help but to dive right in.

I read over half of the book that very night, something strong just took over me as I was so curious to understand what the pages were going to unleash to me. As I began flipping page after page, my phone starts playing India Arie Truth, oh yesss this freaked me out beyond measure, like what the hell iheart radio just starts playing, but anyway only the words “You know the truth by the way you feel.” stuck out to me because that was what the book was explaining in sooo many words. OKAY I’M LISTENING NOW!

The book, Ask and it is Given, talked about your guidance system. You know if you are operating in terms of who you are by the way you feel. The emotions, thoughts etc you possess or create everyday tells you how close you are to your true self, true desire. The further away you are from being happy and positive, the further you are away from your true heart desires. OK now I understand a bit more from previous books I have read, previous experiences and this very moment. I am not off track, I am right on time on this life journey of mine. Like I said its all a process we all have to be chopped, broken down, straightened out a bit in order to get to where we desire to go in life. I hit the broken down part, my knees are bruised from being on them so much. Now I’m just learning to allow God to smooth me out and be the person HE created me to be. That’s where the ASKing came from, ASK FOR HELP, you can’t do it alone. So Ask, believe and allow yourself to Receive (which is also explained in the Secret, a great read as well).

Tying this rambling manifest together, all God was trying to tell me was to ASK for HELP and trust that He will show me the way. Where was/is my faith????  Pride, lack of faith, trust and stubbornness amongst other things led me here and I’ll be damn if it keeps me here!

 

“I have the power to break free from my past and create a better life for myself.”

What to do?

I had the most enthralling conversation with my brother in regards to career choices. I’m pretty sure we are not the only individuals who have been in this situation or have thought about things of this sort. The struggle between I want to but then again this is what is reality.

Most people never choose a career path that they are most passionate about. If you think about it school is a must, well in my family it was, and after high school you never give yourself time to explore yourself or even explore your options. You just apply for colleges and pick a major that seems to be either lucrative, prestigious, fun or just something to choose to get it over with or you could end up not even declaring a major. Since I believe 90% of the population is unsatisfied or unhappy with their current place of employment, is it ok to say we failed to plan for our future?

Let me use myself as an example to illustrate exactly what I’m talking about. I am currently annoyed with my place of employment and seriously emotionally disconnected, just feel stuck for the most part. Don’t get me wrong I am so grateful to be employed, always have been, and able to pay for my necessities as well as my wants, but clearly I am not satisfied. Most people would suggest that I “get a new job”, but seriously would that even be the solution. No way, the job isn’t the problem so a new one wouldn’t in any way solve the problem. Lets think about it, my teaching, schooling, experience and expertise are in one field and if it is the career choice that is unsatisfying, how would a new job satisfy me. Being in this market you need a degree and job experience, so what are the options go back to school, acquire more debt, learn a different trade and hope to have picked the right one? How about relocate? or maybe just suck it up and continue down the same path? Hmmm decisions, decisions. We always have decisions, choosing the right one is the toughest one.

The struggle between expectations and reality! With all that being said, I failed to plan, I failed to explore myself and discover what it is that I truly am passionate about doing, so therefore I’m stuck until I can figure that out.  Then again, reality is perception, most likely if I take the time to evaluate myself and look at the situation honestly with a different pair of eyes, the solution is staring me dead in the face.

The most important thing we search for in our journey to get “unstuck” is SECURITY, right? Majority of us now have responsibilities that need to be taken care of, so therefore drastic decisions are out of the question. So again, what to do? I guess the answer, well my answer, would be to figure out how to increase your income, build a 3 to 6 month emergency fund, set and stick to a budget (which solves the security part) and plan to create the best life ever. Explore yourself, use the resources available to find what you love to do and go out and do it! Have faith we all need it, can’t leave the bed without it, bridge the gap.

What would you do?

Courage

Have you ever heard something or watched something and you just knew that it was meant for you? Like, everything that you had been questioning, struggling with, praying for etc etc was addressed and either gave you the motivation to keep going or answered a troubling question in your life?

I don’t think I have ever had a feeling of that sort before until a few nights ago. It was very refreshing, comforting and uplifting among other things, an explosion of different emotions, a feeling that really can’t be described, those listed kind of gives an idea of the feeling, came over me as I watched the Gabby Douglas Story.

I’ve been through a lot in my life, good times, bad times, ups and downs. Of course, through it all, I understand that I haven’t had a rough life, like some have but it’s still my life, my struggles, my pain, my happiness, my journey etc etc. Watching Gabbys’ story displayed a tremendous amount of courage, discipline, commitment, support, faith and heart, which a lot of us lack and wonder why we haven’t accomplished our goals or obtained our dreams.  She knew what she wanted and went for it and had the backing and full support from her family, which was huggeeeeee! There was a point in the movie where she was ready to quit and give up everything. She thought she was defeated and her hard work wasn’t giving her the results she wanted, when she expected them to. This portion clearly illustrated how to push forward, have faith and know that it is ok to be knocked down because at that point you are in perfect position to pray, give it to god, get up and be better and stronger than you were before.  I think I am at this point, spiraling down fast, not knowing which way to go, just ready to give up and quit. The movie and Gabbys’ determination spoke to me, it gave me confirmation about everything and that God just wants me to be closer to him sooner. Meaning everything is hitting me so hard that I have no choice but to turn back to God. So, I did what I knew best got down on my knees and asked for the courage and strength to move forward. I know in my heart there is so much more waiting and like the coach in the movie said “A champion isn’t made of muscle, a champion is made of heart, so block out all distractions and believe in yourself”

I had to remember the reason WHY I was stepping into different zones, different ventures and it is simply because I can not do what I want to for my FAMILY and others. I constantly hold myself back from achieving things because I never fully believed I could do it. Now I know I can and it’s my responsibility to make sure my family lives well and can experience life beyond what is taught or easily obtainable.

Ask yourself do you have the courage to be the champion your family has sacrificed for?

 

Reflecting My TRUTH

What’s up, what’s up!!

I think the hardest part of a transformation is finding and accepting the truth. Little do we know the truth actually transforms us into the people we crave or desire to be, so it’s an inevitable process to your growth.  The TRUTH is what we are all so damn afraid of!!!!

The first layer to start peeling back is the truth. This particular post will be continuous as I can not cram everything into a few paragraphs. Where to start, where to start hmmmmmm! Lets see, well lets start with the daddy being absent and go from there…

Being raised in a single parent home seemed normal to me for a while and then you start noticing things. I see my brothers and sisters, who are my cousins we have that type of bond with one another, with both parents and you start with the questions. Like wait a minute, wait a minute, MOM, where the hell is my dad at playa! I always felt like I was different or something was wrong with me for the longest time because my dad wasn’t apart of my life.  Its like what the hell is wrong with me that he doesn’t want to know me or want to be apart of my life.  Granted he came around occasionally for a little bit but still that guy was a stranger and still one to this very day.  I see this familiar face every once in a blue moon in passing, he always told me that he loved me but seriously you don’t know me nor do I know you so how in the hell is that possible. That’s what I always told myself, gave the little smirk like ok negro whatever!

Never once have I ever spoke about how this situation affected me growing up always kept it inside along with a million other things, that’s just how I learned to deal with every situation internally! With every growing day I would get that much angrier, that much more disgusted and bitter as time passed on.  Never in my life have I ever had one single freaking person, that when I saw them they had the power to flip my world upside down. It was just an automatic reaction or feeling of intense hatred when I saw this man, I just wanted to ball up my fist and go to work I tell you no lie! Mom raised me better than to put my hands on someone because of their actions, so I always remained cordial with a smile, spoke and kept it moving but deep down inside it was like this mutha fucka here (excuse my language).

Never in a million years would I ever want my kids to experience that type of hurt. Could be the reason I don’t have any because that’s something I always FEARED! So I never let any man get that close to me ever. Had plenty of friends, indulged in tons and tons of fun, Ms Indulger of FUN, but never one have I ever allowed to open my heart.

As I sit back and reflect on things its like, I used my dad not being around as an excuse or reason to treat guys the way I did. Some I treated like they were the shit on the bottom of my shoes, I only need you when its convenient for me and when I wanted to need you, some deserved it just because they were cocky and thought they were Gods gift to every damn woman and some didn’t deserve it at all. My apologies either way! (I’ll take that back nobody deserves anything but I gave it just the same to prove a point)

When you are lost, angry, hurt etc., you shut down, you start to do stupid shit and that’s what I did, the bad part was I didn’t even care…….to be continued

“Each star is a mirror reflecting the truth inside you”