Celibacy – An affair of the heart
Over 2 years ago I took a vow of celibacy. At the time I made that decision, I was in a very dark place not sure what I was doing or where I was going. I love sex and everything about it but it just wasn’t enough it became a game almost and truly emotionless, animalistic, predatory for lack of better words. I’m not proud of that stint of time nor am I proud of disrespecting myself in order to try and fill a void. Yeah yeah a lot of what I did stemmed from the absence of my dad, not knowing how to trust and love someone else because of not really loving myself due to past situations etc etc. I treated guys like shit and didn’t really care, I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it and they always seemed to oblige regardless of how they may have felt. During sex it was almost like a power or control thing I guess, like I can’t put it into words the way I felt but after sex came the disappointment and guilt like why did you just do that and for what nigga, get it together. Very unfulfilled and I understand that’s why I needed to make that promise, commitment to myself, it was unhealthy and a down right path to self destruction FAST.
I have tremendous commitment and trust issues and know that is why I never allowed anyone to get that close to me, even friends, so sad but hey it happens. Seriously heart-rending though and rather impersonal for the most part that even the people I associate with everyday do not truly know who I am and I do feel some sort a way about that because if we really truly care for and about each other I should be able to speak to each of them about any and everything without hesitation. This is the dumb shit but I know I am not the only person that has this issue, just probably one of the few who actually admits it and chooses to correct it.
Rambling a bit but back to the subject matter. This is the time that I allow for me to face myself, befriend the person I think I am and also to know and love the person that I truly am. This journey has allowed me to connect with my inner being and become more spiritual, intimate and passionate about things I would never have because of small distractions. I’m not going to lie I’m human and make mistakes and I truly paid the price for my mistake by allowing myself to engage in sexual activity with someone I knew I had no connection with what so ever but temptation is a bitch and he was fine but again reminded me of the reason I took the vow in the first place. So for that one decision, it delayed my process but also allowed me to think about some things and truly understand why I was doing it and the very importance of being at peace with everything. Everything happens for a reason, its either a blessing or a lesson.
Sex before intimacy, to me, ruins a lot of relationships, not financial issues, now that I pay attention to things. Intimacy is love, the little things mean so much more, a stroke of a finger on your cheek, sensual exchanges of a smile, a simple how was your day babe, looking into each others eyes and seeing everything you need, gentle kisses on the shoulder blades, being in each others company but not having to say a thing, just being, wanting to know each others hearts and learning each others bodies piece by piece, and also not being afraid to be a bit aggressive, exploring the matters of the mind, heart, soul and owning each others bodies 😆. Dammmmnnnn lol I just got excited hahaha but get the picture the simple things.
Relationships, love, intimacy is more of building a respect, a bond, a close and personal responsibility with not only yourself and someone else but also with God. Allowing yourself to be truly naked is the goal and one day I will find that person who I can be just that. He will know and understand my fears, aspirations, goals, quirkiness, insecurities, fantasies, just everything! When that person comes along and that time comes I know I have evolved and grown to love myself and open my heart to receive and experience true love, until then I respect myself enough to not settle for anything less 😁💘.
Heyyy I’m just being honest, or as everyone else says keeping it 100, how about you?
NicoleCarter 