Retreat or Confront is the question?

I like this picture, I took it after a very rough night and knew that it was time to take control. That day represented hope and strength that I never knew was there. ANYWAYS: It’s funny how you sit back and take a look at things or find things from your past that make you think a bit, like what happened to that person?

Thinking back a bit, I remember when I was 18 or so my dreams, ambition, and drive was at an all time high. Nothing or nobody could deter me from what I wanted then, I always knew I was going to get it no matter what, that was my attitude then.  I always told myself by age 25, 26 I would be very successful. I would own a marketing and financial consulting business and no longer be an employee, I would be a homeowner, I would have at a minimum $20K in cash, and $100K tied up in investments and assets.  Somewhere along the way the ambition, drive, confidence and courage to obtain those things ceased.  Now 29, still an employee, school debt out the ass and my portfolio looks rather scary, YIKES!!!!!

Maybe a few weeks ago, if I took a look at what I wanted and where I am now I probably would have retreated even further, became depressed and feeling sorry for myself because my life didn’t go as planned.  Good thing I looked at the bigger picture to understand I am still young with plenty of mistakes to make, plenty of hills to climb and plenty of uncertainties to face but most importantly I’m still growing as a person and I can turn around my circumstances and obtain those things in life that I sought before. I can be that 18 year old girl with crazy work ethic, strong drive, unwavering faith and ambition again but this time around I’ll be a lot stronger and better.

I only say that to say, every situation we are forced to either RETREAT or CONFRONT. I chose to retreat and conform every single time for over 5 years of my life. Retreated to a place to where I was too comfortable to face anything and failed to see the consequences of those decisions. That is a long time to be stuck being what and who you are not meant to be. Time to muster up that courage and start confronting my fears, insecurities and reality. Everything from the past was preparation to rebuild my mind, body and spirit even stronger. Embrace it, confront it and give it to God, the more we fight it the harder it becomes.  I’m in a better place today, reconditioning this good ole heart of mines CHEEEESSSEEEEE!!!!

DONT BE A PUPPET TO YOUR FEARS

Reflecting My TRUTH

What’s up, what’s up!!

I think the hardest part of a transformation is finding and accepting the truth. Little do we know the truth actually transforms us into the people we crave or desire to be, so it’s an inevitable process to your growth.  The TRUTH is what we are all so damn afraid of!!!!

The first layer to start peeling back is the truth. This particular post will be continuous as I can not cram everything into a few paragraphs. Where to start, where to start hmmmmmm! Lets see, well lets start with the daddy being absent and go from there…

Being raised in a single parent home seemed normal to me for a while and then you start noticing things. I see my brothers and sisters, who are my cousins we have that type of bond with one another, with both parents and you start with the questions. Like wait a minute, wait a minute, MOM, where the hell is my dad at playa! I always felt like I was different or something was wrong with me for the longest time because my dad wasn’t apart of my life.  Its like what the hell is wrong with me that he doesn’t want to know me or want to be apart of my life.  Granted he came around occasionally for a little bit but still that guy was a stranger and still one to this very day.  I see this familiar face every once in a blue moon in passing, he always told me that he loved me but seriously you don’t know me nor do I know you so how in the hell is that possible. That’s what I always told myself, gave the little smirk like ok negro whatever!

Never once have I ever spoke about how this situation affected me growing up always kept it inside along with a million other things, that’s just how I learned to deal with every situation internally! With every growing day I would get that much angrier, that much more disgusted and bitter as time passed on.  Never in my life have I ever had one single freaking person, that when I saw them they had the power to flip my world upside down. It was just an automatic reaction or feeling of intense hatred when I saw this man, I just wanted to ball up my fist and go to work I tell you no lie! Mom raised me better than to put my hands on someone because of their actions, so I always remained cordial with a smile, spoke and kept it moving but deep down inside it was like this mutha fucka here (excuse my language).

Never in a million years would I ever want my kids to experience that type of hurt. Could be the reason I don’t have any because that’s something I always FEARED! So I never let any man get that close to me ever. Had plenty of friends, indulged in tons and tons of fun, Ms Indulger of FUN, but never one have I ever allowed to open my heart.

As I sit back and reflect on things its like, I used my dad not being around as an excuse or reason to treat guys the way I did. Some I treated like they were the shit on the bottom of my shoes, I only need you when its convenient for me and when I wanted to need you, some deserved it just because they were cocky and thought they were Gods gift to every damn woman and some didn’t deserve it at all. My apologies either way! (I’ll take that back nobody deserves anything but I gave it just the same to prove a point)

When you are lost, angry, hurt etc., you shut down, you start to do stupid shit and that’s what I did, the bad part was I didn’t even care…….to be continued

“Each star is a mirror reflecting the truth inside you”