Shhhhh……

I heard the most interesting thing and it has some great power to its message, definitely something that stuck with me:

“God has given you one face and yet you make another.  The person we are and the person we pretend to be, everyone struggles with this because we all have secrets.  The funny thing is the most dangerous secrets are the ones we keep from ourselves.”

GET LOST!!

EXACCCCTTTTTLLLLLYYYYY!!!!! Get lost and explore possibilities……..Whats your favorite book(s)?

Retreat or Confront is the question?

I like this picture, I took it after a very rough night and knew that it was time to take control. That day represented hope and strength that I never knew was there. ANYWAYS: It’s funny how you sit back and take a look at things or find things from your past that make you think a bit, like what happened to that person?

Thinking back a bit, I remember when I was 18 or so my dreams, ambition, and drive was at an all time high. Nothing or nobody could deter me from what I wanted then, I always knew I was going to get it no matter what, that was my attitude then.  I always told myself by age 25, 26 I would be very successful. I would own a marketing and financial consulting business and no longer be an employee, I would be a homeowner, I would have at a minimum $20K in cash, and $100K tied up in investments and assets.  Somewhere along the way the ambition, drive, confidence and courage to obtain those things ceased.  Now 29, still an employee, school debt out the ass and my portfolio looks rather scary, YIKES!!!!!

Maybe a few weeks ago, if I took a look at what I wanted and where I am now I probably would have retreated even further, became depressed and feeling sorry for myself because my life didn’t go as planned.  Good thing I looked at the bigger picture to understand I am still young with plenty of mistakes to make, plenty of hills to climb and plenty of uncertainties to face but most importantly I’m still growing as a person and I can turn around my circumstances and obtain those things in life that I sought before. I can be that 18 year old girl with crazy work ethic, strong drive, unwavering faith and ambition again but this time around I’ll be a lot stronger and better.

I only say that to say, every situation we are forced to either RETREAT or CONFRONT. I chose to retreat and conform every single time for over 5 years of my life. Retreated to a place to where I was too comfortable to face anything and failed to see the consequences of those decisions. That is a long time to be stuck being what and who you are not meant to be. Time to muster up that courage and start confronting my fears, insecurities and reality. Everything from the past was preparation to rebuild my mind, body and spirit even stronger. Embrace it, confront it and give it to God, the more we fight it the harder it becomes.  I’m in a better place today, reconditioning this good ole heart of mines CHEEEESSSEEEEE!!!!

DONT BE A PUPPET TO YOUR FEARS

FUCK IT!

LISTENNNN!!! This kumbaya (however you spell it) shit is not working for you cut it out chick. I swear my damn brain hurts and my mind is not the fucking place to be right now, it’s fucking terrible! Over-complicating and Over-analyzing tooooo damn much.

NOTE TO SELF: ACCEPT IT, ACCEPT IT, ACCEPT IT AGAIN. ACCEPT everything, you can not change the past and bitch you don’t live there anymore, so chuck it in a bucket, light the bitch on fire and move the fuck on. At the end of the day you are you, love everything about you with no apologies nor fucking regrets. FUCK IT AND LIVE

 

“Fuck it gets you across that line, that ability to push past the rules” -ICE T

 

Starting Over-Rated

Very refreshing!

IMAGE leave it at the door

I never understood completely how much work it was to manage an IMAGE, until I assessed my own actions and began to observe those around me. Let’s all continue to wake up every morning and put on this fake person suit, let everybody perceive you are in a great space and doing your absolute BEST! HAHAHAHA that’s so DEAD to me now.

I swear this feeling of emptiness every single day is not exciting. I just want to get back to feeling like me again. 5+ years is a long damn time to feel like someone else, I tell you. Just know my gates are open but I’m not looking for a MESSAGE, I’m searching for my LIFE!!! I have experienced someone being REAL, HONEST, and NAKED, so now the FALSENESS (FAKE) just doesn’t cut it for me anymore.  So that’s what I want to be, my true AUTHENTIC, REAL, NAKED self. I can only commit to that journey alone nothing else. It all starts with me though, let me take that back it all starts with GOD………..

BE FEARLESSLY AUTHENTIC

WELL WELL!!

Have you ever had an AHA moment and just was like damn girl why didn’t you pay attention the first damn time? The answer has already been given over and over again!!!

That’s what recently happened to me, a great big whaappap, WAKE UP and pay attention lol. As you guys know, well if you read some of my posts, I’m kind of a mess at the moment, trying to figure some things out. Well trying to figure ME out. Destructive, stressed, clueless and most days just depressed.

For a few months now my auntie has been calling me out of the blue and it’s almost like she knows what I need at that moment. Each time she guides me to scripture and it’s always about asking for what you want and trust the process. Clearly I’m not happy but I’m grateful for this life of mine. Its going to be a process, but a much-needed process to heal this ole heart of mine! I’m learning who I am, to love myself more and I get very frustrated because the process is forcing me to deal with some issues and choices I’ve made in the past that I seem not able to forgive myself for. WHY?

Anyways back on track, ASK!
These are some of the events that kind of transpired throughout the last few months:
I’ve been lead to Matthew 10:20 “for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.” and also Matthew 20:10 “So when those came who were hired first, they expected to receive more. But each one of them also received a denarius.” (so weird about this 10:20 number that keeps coming up). Awesome I checked into the scripture still not sure what this means for me.

My auntie has been guiding me in every conversation to “ASK”. Umm ok what am I asking for?

I read this same quote just about daily “As I began to love myself, I found that anguish and emotional sufferings are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know this is Authenticity!” Wasn’t sure why, didn’t quite understand what it meant but still something kept me intrigued and a need to read it developed.

Ran across some Oprah youtube videos about the law of attraction and asking, oh how I LOVE me some OPRAH woohoooo, but this particular book stuck out in one of the videos “Ask and it is given Learning to manifest your desires by Jerry and Esther Hicks” hmmm interesting I may pick it up one day to read. But then this book pops up two more times, once on an episode of Being Mary Jane, Gabrielle Union is so fierce on this show by the way, and also on a receipt from Barnes and Noble books you may also be interested in. YIKES! needless to say I purchased the book the same day and couldn’t help but to dive right in.

I read over half of the book that very night, something strong just took over me as I was so curious to understand what the pages were going to unleash to me. As I began flipping page after page, my phone starts playing India Arie Truth, oh yesss this freaked me out beyond measure, like what the hell iheart radio just starts playing, but anyway only the words “You know the truth by the way you feel.” stuck out to me because that was what the book was explaining in sooo many words. OKAY I’M LISTENING NOW!

The book, Ask and it is Given, talked about your guidance system. You know if you are operating in terms of who you are by the way you feel. The emotions, thoughts etc you possess or create everyday tells you how close you are to your true self, true desire. The further away you are from being happy and positive, the further you are away from your true heart desires. OK now I understand a bit more from previous books I have read, previous experiences and this very moment. I am not off track, I am right on time on this life journey of mine. Like I said its all a process we all have to be chopped, broken down, straightened out a bit in order to get to where we desire to go in life. I hit the broken down part, my knees are bruised from being on them so much. Now I’m just learning to allow God to smooth me out and be the person HE created me to be. That’s where the ASKing came from, ASK FOR HELP, you can’t do it alone. So Ask, believe and allow yourself to Receive (which is also explained in the Secret, a great read as well).

Tying this rambling manifest together, all God was trying to tell me was to ASK for HELP and trust that He will show me the way. Where was/is my faith????  Pride, lack of faith, trust and stubbornness amongst other things led me here and I’ll be damn if it keeps me here!

 

“I have the power to break free from my past and create a better life for myself.”

3am

3AM

3am knew all my stories
heard all my sighs
and witnessed my heart shattering

Author: Unknown

 

I don’t know what it is about 3 and 4am but I always awake at either time and lay in silence divulging my inner most precious feelings without saying a word. My thoughts and feelings wake me up and I guess it’s safe to say that 3 and 4am know all my secrets, even though they aren’t written nor spoken aloud!. I was curious to know if there was any significance to 3am in the bible, so I looked up a few things. Still rather confused by a lot but searching for a better understanding. Is this my prayer hour, my time to spend with God?? Is this the witching hour, my fight between darkness and light? I don’t know what it is at this time but I know it is the time I face myself inside my mind!

 

Look Up

We live in the day where text messages trumps a simple phone call or a personal visit. I mean seriously once upon a time if you wanted to talk to someone you went to there house and had a conversation. A real conversation, not the one where one person is talking and the other is texting or playing on their phone.

I’ve always been an outgoing person, loved to travel and do shit but for some reason for years I didn’t do much sat at home a lot. BLAHHHHH BORINNNNGGGGGG! I was the person that would speak to random people just to see what type of reaction I would get, it was fun to see the responses. I believe that is the reason I have been going out and doing the things I have been doing lately, just to get that person to person interaction. Meet someone new and have a conversation, experience the same places but with a different view because now I am paying attention to the surroundings without technology being a distraction. Enjoying the moments for what they are, good or bad, doesn’t matter.

When you talk to someone pay attention to what they say, their mannerism, body language, it tells you so much more about what they are trying to say and how they feel. GOOOODDDD OLLLEEE INTERACTION. Drifting back to the old school way of communication, it’s sooooo impersonal today. I’ve been feeling this way about this subject for a while, mentioned it before as well but still get sucked back into the habit of texting vs calling, playing on the phone in a room full of people instead of holding a conversation with them etc etc. ! Awful habit but I will break it eventually.  REALLLLYYY???????? Most people before they even thank God for another day, get the crust out their eyes, or take care of that stank breath are checking their phones to see whats going on their timelines!! The link I attached sums it up beautifully. Click on the words Look up at the top and have a listen!!!!!

 

What would you do without Facebook, instagram, any social media, internet access or cell phone?

 

What to do?

I had the most enthralling conversation with my brother in regards to career choices. I’m pretty sure we are not the only individuals who have been in this situation or have thought about things of this sort. The struggle between I want to but then again this is what is reality.

Most people never choose a career path that they are most passionate about. If you think about it school is a must, well in my family it was, and after high school you never give yourself time to explore yourself or even explore your options. You just apply for colleges and pick a major that seems to be either lucrative, prestigious, fun or just something to choose to get it over with or you could end up not even declaring a major. Since I believe 90% of the population is unsatisfied or unhappy with their current place of employment, is it ok to say we failed to plan for our future?

Let me use myself as an example to illustrate exactly what I’m talking about. I am currently annoyed with my place of employment and seriously emotionally disconnected, just feel stuck for the most part. Don’t get me wrong I am so grateful to be employed, always have been, and able to pay for my necessities as well as my wants, but clearly I am not satisfied. Most people would suggest that I “get a new job”, but seriously would that even be the solution. No way, the job isn’t the problem so a new one wouldn’t in any way solve the problem. Lets think about it, my teaching, schooling, experience and expertise are in one field and if it is the career choice that is unsatisfying, how would a new job satisfy me. Being in this market you need a degree and job experience, so what are the options go back to school, acquire more debt, learn a different trade and hope to have picked the right one? How about relocate? or maybe just suck it up and continue down the same path? Hmmm decisions, decisions. We always have decisions, choosing the right one is the toughest one.

The struggle between expectations and reality! With all that being said, I failed to plan, I failed to explore myself and discover what it is that I truly am passionate about doing, so therefore I’m stuck until I can figure that out.  Then again, reality is perception, most likely if I take the time to evaluate myself and look at the situation honestly with a different pair of eyes, the solution is staring me dead in the face.

The most important thing we search for in our journey to get “unstuck” is SECURITY, right? Majority of us now have responsibilities that need to be taken care of, so therefore drastic decisions are out of the question. So again, what to do? I guess the answer, well my answer, would be to figure out how to increase your income, build a 3 to 6 month emergency fund, set and stick to a budget (which solves the security part) and plan to create the best life ever. Explore yourself, use the resources available to find what you love to do and go out and do it! Have faith we all need it, can’t leave the bed without it, bridge the gap.

What would you do?