3am

3AM

3am knew all my stories
heard all my sighs
and witnessed my heart shattering

Author: Unknown

 

I don’t know what it is about 3 and 4am but I always awake at either time and lay in silence divulging my inner most precious feelings without saying a word. My thoughts and feelings wake me up and I guess it’s safe to say that 3 and 4am know all my secrets, even though they aren’t written nor spoken aloud!. I was curious to know if there was any significance to 3am in the bible, so I looked up a few things. Still rather confused by a lot but searching for a better understanding. Is this my prayer hour, my time to spend with God?? Is this the witching hour, my fight between darkness and light? I don’t know what it is at this time but I know it is the time I face myself inside my mind!

 

Look Up

We live in the day where text messages trumps a simple phone call or a personal visit. I mean seriously once upon a time if you wanted to talk to someone you went to there house and had a conversation. A real conversation, not the one where one person is talking and the other is texting or playing on their phone.

I’ve always been an outgoing person, loved to travel and do shit but for some reason for years I didn’t do much sat at home a lot. BLAHHHHH BORINNNNGGGGGG! I was the person that would speak to random people just to see what type of reaction I would get, it was fun to see the responses. I believe that is the reason I have been going out and doing the things I have been doing lately, just to get that person to person interaction. Meet someone new and have a conversation, experience the same places but with a different view because now I am paying attention to the surroundings without technology being a distraction. Enjoying the moments for what they are, good or bad, doesn’t matter.

When you talk to someone pay attention to what they say, their mannerism, body language, it tells you so much more about what they are trying to say and how they feel. GOOOODDDD OLLLEEE INTERACTION. Drifting back to the old school way of communication, it’s sooooo impersonal today. I’ve been feeling this way about this subject for a while, mentioned it before as well but still get sucked back into the habit of texting vs calling, playing on the phone in a room full of people instead of holding a conversation with them etc etc. ! Awful habit but I will break it eventually.  REALLLLYYY???????? Most people before they even thank God for another day, get the crust out their eyes, or take care of that stank breath are checking their phones to see whats going on their timelines!! The link I attached sums it up beautifully. Click on the words Look up at the top and have a listen!!!!!

 

What would you do without Facebook, instagram, any social media, internet access or cell phone?

 

What to do?

I had the most enthralling conversation with my brother in regards to career choices. I’m pretty sure we are not the only individuals who have been in this situation or have thought about things of this sort. The struggle between I want to but then again this is what is reality.

Most people never choose a career path that they are most passionate about. If you think about it school is a must, well in my family it was, and after high school you never give yourself time to explore yourself or even explore your options. You just apply for colleges and pick a major that seems to be either lucrative, prestigious, fun or just something to choose to get it over with or you could end up not even declaring a major. Since I believe 90% of the population is unsatisfied or unhappy with their current place of employment, is it ok to say we failed to plan for our future?

Let me use myself as an example to illustrate exactly what I’m talking about. I am currently annoyed with my place of employment and seriously emotionally disconnected, just feel stuck for the most part. Don’t get me wrong I am so grateful to be employed, always have been, and able to pay for my necessities as well as my wants, but clearly I am not satisfied. Most people would suggest that I “get a new job”, but seriously would that even be the solution. No way, the job isn’t the problem so a new one wouldn’t in any way solve the problem. Lets think about it, my teaching, schooling, experience and expertise are in one field and if it is the career choice that is unsatisfying, how would a new job satisfy me. Being in this market you need a degree and job experience, so what are the options go back to school, acquire more debt, learn a different trade and hope to have picked the right one? How about relocate? or maybe just suck it up and continue down the same path? Hmmm decisions, decisions. We always have decisions, choosing the right one is the toughest one.

The struggle between expectations and reality! With all that being said, I failed to plan, I failed to explore myself and discover what it is that I truly am passionate about doing, so therefore I’m stuck until I can figure that out.  Then again, reality is perception, most likely if I take the time to evaluate myself and look at the situation honestly with a different pair of eyes, the solution is staring me dead in the face.

The most important thing we search for in our journey to get “unstuck” is SECURITY, right? Majority of us now have responsibilities that need to be taken care of, so therefore drastic decisions are out of the question. So again, what to do? I guess the answer, well my answer, would be to figure out how to increase your income, build a 3 to 6 month emergency fund, set and stick to a budget (which solves the security part) and plan to create the best life ever. Explore yourself, use the resources available to find what you love to do and go out and do it! Have faith we all need it, can’t leave the bed without it, bridge the gap.

What would you do?

Courage

Have you ever heard something or watched something and you just knew that it was meant for you? Like, everything that you had been questioning, struggling with, praying for etc etc was addressed and either gave you the motivation to keep going or answered a troubling question in your life?

I don’t think I have ever had a feeling of that sort before until a few nights ago. It was very refreshing, comforting and uplifting among other things, an explosion of different emotions, a feeling that really can’t be described, those listed kind of gives an idea of the feeling, came over me as I watched the Gabby Douglas Story.

I’ve been through a lot in my life, good times, bad times, ups and downs. Of course, through it all, I understand that I haven’t had a rough life, like some have but it’s still my life, my struggles, my pain, my happiness, my journey etc etc. Watching Gabbys’ story displayed a tremendous amount of courage, discipline, commitment, support, faith and heart, which a lot of us lack and wonder why we haven’t accomplished our goals or obtained our dreams.  She knew what she wanted and went for it and had the backing and full support from her family, which was huggeeeeee! There was a point in the movie where she was ready to quit and give up everything. She thought she was defeated and her hard work wasn’t giving her the results she wanted, when she expected them to. This portion clearly illustrated how to push forward, have faith and know that it is ok to be knocked down because at that point you are in perfect position to pray, give it to god, get up and be better and stronger than you were before.  I think I am at this point, spiraling down fast, not knowing which way to go, just ready to give up and quit. The movie and Gabbys’ determination spoke to me, it gave me confirmation about everything and that God just wants me to be closer to him sooner. Meaning everything is hitting me so hard that I have no choice but to turn back to God. So, I did what I knew best got down on my knees and asked for the courage and strength to move forward. I know in my heart there is so much more waiting and like the coach in the movie said “A champion isn’t made of muscle, a champion is made of heart, so block out all distractions and believe in yourself”

I had to remember the reason WHY I was stepping into different zones, different ventures and it is simply because I can not do what I want to for my FAMILY and others. I constantly hold myself back from achieving things because I never fully believed I could do it. Now I know I can and it’s my responsibility to make sure my family lives well and can experience life beyond what is taught or easily obtainable.

Ask yourself do you have the courage to be the champion your family has sacrificed for?

 

Friend

I’m getting to a point to where I’m growing, learning and knowing myself. I need to know who is genuine and who is fake and vice versa, am I being genuine or am I being fake.

Been putting off things for quite some time as I never want to hurt anybodys feelings but at the same time I don’t want to be dishonest and hurt mines in the process as well for allowing issues to drag along. Having bad feelings, bad vibes and very uneasy, just not sure what it is. I guess the first thing I need to figure out is what do I call a friend and why is it so important for me to know someone beyond the surface!

Hey buddy, pal, friend or should I say hey stranger instead.

We often times get comfortable with only being familiar with people and call them friends. Hey you’re cool, fun, likeable lets hang out and do crazy ish and call each other friends. 😳

Aristotle said a friend is a single soul dwelling in two bodies. That simply means to me that friends are like puzzle pieces not quite the same but fits perfectly together. When you’re hurt, happy, excited, sad I share those same feelings, understanding and we help each other through whatever and vice versa. Its a Hey chick lets build each other up type of thing, I got your back and you got mines whatever the case may be.

We should be able to grow separately but never apart. If there is an issue address it full heartedly don’t be afraid to express what’s on your mind nor worry about hurting each others feelings. True friends tell it like it is no bullshit and move forward. Buuuuutttt most people put up a front, live behind masks, so real and true friends are hard to come by. I guess that’s my issue, I want to be transparent but how many will genuinely want the same! 😥

“Friends how many of us have them, Friends ones we can depend on” lol that song is so fitting!

Hello

I was listening to Luke James “Strawberry Vapors”, love this song, and a lot of things started to flow in my mind especially at the end of the song when he says

“I got her thinking
All this talking to ya, must be a karma sutra
You all up in my mind, I’m all up in yours and it’s alright
Wow, what fun
I hope this feeling never dies, oh I
She said, hold up, hit it one more time
Oo I, Do it, love it”

Lawd! Just dabbling a bit, I grabbed a pen and paper and this is what came about:

It started with a smile and a hello
Evolved into playful snickers and giggles to subtle touches of the skin                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  And most exciting of them all, an explosion of the mind                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 Amazing moments staring in the gentleness of your eyes                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Um umm boi ‘why are you so fine’
You caressed my mind, undressed my heart                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       And you kissed and licked every insecurity from the depths of my soul                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 You released me, my mind is freed and submission begins                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             Your breath from the whisper of the words ‘I need you’ made my heart burst again                                                                                                                                                                                                               All of which ignited from a dangerous smile and a sensual hello 👄