Dear Diary

I FEEL EMPTY

Just looking back trying to analyze and examine why I’m not excited or happy about things. I’m thankful to have them as I know plenty of people pray to have a lot of the agitations or worries that I do, so yes I’m grateful for each and every one of them but still not satisfied. I’m unsure if that is even proper to be grateful yet still not satisfied.

Stressed out to the max, I know I am. I’ve been isolating myself as much as I can, irritated, constant headaches and my body is just not feeling me at all. I’m definitely slipping, I have lost myself once again and I feel so damn unsafe!!!! Last night I had an emotional breakdown like no other, like my whole brain, hell my whole body was crying out. I just got on my knees and prayed to the lord for help. Cried uncontrollably but it was almost as if I needed to cry and let it out or just let it go. Like so much has been suppressed inside for far too long a purge was much needed. I felt better for a little while but at the same time I don’t like to cry at allllll, so I felt weak but shit can’t always smile and act like everything is wonderful and peachy.

I guess this trying to know myself and working from the inside has made me face everything in my life head on and not quite sure how to handle it sometimes. Trapped in a box with the lid on it because I’ve conformed to doing things I know I don’t want to. In my heart I know majority of It doesn’t push or challenge me. So I often close my eyes and dream of paradise 😁

All in all I’m still learning everyday, so like my new friend Jesse said to look to God he will give you the motivation and guidance needed!!!!

“She took the leap and built her wings on the way down”