Silly Girl

I freaking love the movie, love and basketball and especially the picture above, it’s just so simple yet can bring about so many things.  OHHH and yesss your girl usssssssed to play ball, not for school or anything but don’t get it twisted though I will still lace up the sneakers and get it in lol.

 

Don’t find love, let love find you. That’s why it’s called falling in love because you don’t force yourself to fall, you just fall.

YES I believe in true love, YES I believe in fairy tales(my fairy tale), and YES I believe that there is that one person in this world that was truly placed here for me and only me. Hey, what can I say I’m a hopeless romantic but I do have a dirty mind!!!!!

I love everything about love, in its simplest form. Love to me is a gift, its art, its creative, its majestic but most important its simple never complicated. Sometimes I have those days where I just drift away and kind of dream a bit about being in love with someone, picture the things we would do together, the experiences we would share together, the love we would make and the things we would do for each other. Yes TOGETHER, I’m not selfish when it comes to love, we share the experience TOGETHER. I don’t just want to be held by someone, I want to hold them too. Being able to be truly naked with each other, not meaning unclothed, but being able to let them inside your soul, your thoughts, letting them know your fears, your hearts desires, insecurities, hopes, dreams, aspirations, know your past and your expectations for the future. Just being able to simply lay it all on the table, nothing to hide, this is all of me. That’s love in a nutshell for me, even emulating the way kids see the world around them and how easily they find the joy and beauty in things is ultimately how I feel about love.

In today’s society I don’t know if there is any room to even experience this type of love these days. I mean when someone says let’s make this official whether it be boyfriend girlfriend, girlfriends, boyfriends, or marriage. To me that means I love, cherish, respect and trust you, I enjoy you, I want to make a  commitment to be with you grow, learn and experience each other and only each other. So often times, very often times, you see people breaking that promise and disrespecting their relationship by pursuing other people. Does that title, that commitment mean anything these days?

To many times you see people fronting, putting up this facade, portraying this image that we are soooo in love and happy but really, we just together because you make me look good or you offer this and that etc a bunch of bullshit is what it is. So wanting that type of love today involves a lot of trust and I do fear it the most, could be the exact reason I don’t have it yet. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying all relationships are this way, for instance my Aunt and Uncle have an amazing relationship. They have been together for 25, 26 years now and of course they have there ups and down but they truly love each other and you can genuinely tell it. They still go on dates, do odd quirky things for each other, but most importantly they truly love one another for who they are and that in itself gives me hope.  But oh well, I’m just a silly girl waiting on her silly love to spend forever with. Until then I will continue to enjoy and learn myself and trust God, very simple!

 

Options

I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.

 

Agree with this 100%, I write to see what I know and express how I feel.  It seems to work out better this way and I end up realizing I know a lot more than what I thought I did. Lol.

One of my biggest challenges every morning is getting up to go to work. The early rise is not a problem it is the destination that needs to be met once I arise that is the problem.  Very grateful for my occupation but at the same time 10 years of service for a paycheck, ugh really, which I’m also grateful to have as well. I’ve learned a lot and experienced a lot but just at a place to where I know I can’t leave my job behind for my future family, I don’t own it, it owns me!

A wage slave is my current name. By definition, its a state where you are unable to perceive choices and create courses of action different from the grind of the job.  More or less our livelihood is completely dependent on the wages we earn from our job.  All eggs in one basket, noooopppppeeeee, its detrimental to our financial stability, security and independence, in which we all strive to obtain. Time to start educating, exploring and learning different ways to make money work for ourselves and not us for it, in order to secure our financial futures to live better and healthier lives.

I myself am learning to make the shift from employee to entrepreneur, which has been very challenging from time to time but very exciting, as majority of my life I learned how to be an employee. Go to school, get good grades, graduate, acquire a great job, make lots of money and live the life of your dreams. Ahhh have the house with the white picket fence and blue shudders, 2.5 kids and of course the smokin’ hot spouse lol! Whatever, not my fairytale but seems to be the one that’s sold often. LOL! What is even more strange is the fact that my parents both owned their own businesses but never taught myself nor my brothers to do the same. So, majority of my knowledge is how to work for someone else, SMDH! Time to empty the bucket and start all over.

Everything is put on hold until we can acquire more time and more money. Meanwhile we pray and wait for the most opportune time to truly live the life we want and time just keeps passing us by.

 

 

Dear Diary

I FEEL EMPTY

Just looking back trying to analyze and examine why I’m not excited or happy about things. I’m thankful to have them as I know plenty of people pray to have a lot of the agitations or worries that I do, so yes I’m grateful for each and every one of them but still not satisfied. I’m unsure if that is even proper to be grateful yet still not satisfied.

Stressed out to the max, I know I am. I’ve been isolating myself as much as I can, irritated, constant headaches and my body is just not feeling me at all. I’m definitely slipping, I have lost myself once again and I feel so damn unsafe!!!! Last night I had an emotional breakdown like no other, like my whole brain, hell my whole body was crying out. I just got on my knees and prayed to the lord for help. Cried uncontrollably but it was almost as if I needed to cry and let it out or just let it go. Like so much has been suppressed inside for far too long a purge was much needed. I felt better for a little while but at the same time I don’t like to cry at allllll, so I felt weak but shit can’t always smile and act like everything is wonderful and peachy.

I guess this trying to know myself and working from the inside has made me face everything in my life head on and not quite sure how to handle it sometimes. Trapped in a box with the lid on it because I’ve conformed to doing things I know I don’t want to. In my heart I know majority of It doesn’t push or challenge me. So I often close my eyes and dream of paradise 😁

All in all I’m still learning everyday, so like my new friend Jesse said to look to God he will give you the motivation and guidance needed!!!!

“She took the leap and built her wings on the way down”

QUESTIONNNNN????

Encounters

I was asked a question yesterday, had me thinking and my curiosity starting flaring up. I asked a few of my close peoples this question, just to see what everyone else had to say about the topic. SOOOOOOO ladies and gentsss, holding both male and females to the same exact standards, strictly your personal opinion no deep thoughts as of yet. The question is:

WHAT NUMBER OF SEXUAL PARTNERS WOULD YOU FROWN YOUR NOSE UP, RAISE AN EYEBROW AND THINK IS A BIT MUCH OR TOO EXCESSIVE?????

Leave your comments, inquiring minds wanttsss taaa knowww peoples!!!!!!!

Simple

Allow time to be silent and just listen. Let your soul speak, it has a lot to tell you!!!!!!!

Emotional Rollercoaster

Why am I sooo damn emotional?

I’ve been separated from reality, as Im not the best problem solver. Although I may smile and act like all is well im human and struggle with things just like many other people do, because simply we don’t have to walk around looking like what we are going through. Frankly I wouldn’t want to as I can’t stand to be transparent to the point where people start to ask what’s wrong, are you ok?

Being alone in my thoughts for the past few weeks has brought to the forefront alot of things im not proud of, and also a lot of things I am proud to have accomplished. Definitely the things I’m not proud of, I know I need to work on them every single day in order to progress forward. As I said im not a great problem solver and normally don’t confront the issues, just act like they don’t exist and do other things to  keep my mind off them for a period of time. Not good because those things are not healthy for me and tend to make things worse, although its great at that time. The consequences for the most part are unbearable and sometimes I think I may do it just to punish myself not sure still trying to figure it out. Keep telling myself to stop pretending and face it!

Trust, love and commitment issues have evaded me for years. It comes a point in time where it needs to be confronted and let go so whatever is for me or planned in the future doesn’t get blocked or halted because I can’t move on. When you sit in silence you realize you have a lot more on your mind than you think you do. When you write it out you tend to unveil a lot of what you didn’t know you knew and unravel thoughts and feelings you didn’t know existed. I have some serious lessons to learn and until I choose, make a decision, to face them and learn from them, I will remain where I know I’m not supposed to be, I’m so much better than this. God just lay with me and hold me so it doesn’t hurt anymore.

I swear I’m losing my mind lol, often frustrated, irritated, stressed out but still go on about my day smiling and enjoying whatever comes along. Often times just to escape myself and my current reality, I sit and close my eyes and wonder what happened to that 19 year old girl with ambition, gumption, the don’t give a fuck attitude, the girl who just did what she wanted even though it may have scared the shit out of her, still did it. Sit and just imagine where I would have been if I kept that mind frame and didn’t let things enclose me into a box in which I do not belong. I remember like it was yesterday whatever I set my mind to accomplish I did just that, whatever needed to be done, it got done. Took a wrong turn somewhere but oh well, its time to get back on the right track and find the best of me, I know it hasn’t been discovered yet. Everyone deserves to explore a better them but how many of us will actually do so? Worried about too much but no one can be super all the time. All that matters is that in the end nobody can live my life but me, so I ask myself Is finding the best in myself worth the sacrifices to obtain it?

“When we first met, I had no idea you would be this important to me, our quiet time is our quality time.”

An Affair of the Heart

Celibacy – An affair of the heart

Over 2 years ago I took a vow of celibacy. At the time I made that decision, I was in a very dark place not sure what I was doing or where I was going. I love sex and everything about it but it just wasn’t enough it became a game almost and truly emotionless, animalistic, predatory for lack of better words. I’m not proud of that stint of time nor am I proud of disrespecting myself in order to try and fill a void. Yeah yeah a lot of what I did stemmed from the absence of my dad, not knowing how to trust and love someone else because of not really loving myself due to past situations etc etc. I treated guys like shit and didn’t really care, I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it and they always seemed to oblige regardless of how they may have felt. During sex it was almost like a power or control thing I guess, like I can’t put it into words the way I felt but after sex came the disappointment and guilt like why did you just do that and for what nigga, get it together. Very unfulfilled and I understand that’s why I needed to make that promise, commitment to myself, it was unhealthy and a down right path to self destruction FAST.

I have tremendous commitment and trust issues and know that is why I never allowed anyone to get that close to me, even friends, so sad but hey it happens. Seriously heart-rending though and rather impersonal for the most part that even the people I associate with everyday do not truly know who I am and I do feel some sort a way about that because if we really truly care for and about each other I should be able to speak to each of them about any and everything without hesitation. This is the dumb shit but I know I am not the only person that has this issue, just probably one of the few who actually admits it and chooses to correct it.

Rambling a bit but back to the subject matter. This is the time that I allow for me to face myself, befriend the person I think I am and also to know and love the person that I truly am. This journey has allowed me to connect with my inner being and become more spiritual, intimate and passionate about things I would never have because of small distractions. I’m not going to lie I’m human and make mistakes and I truly paid the price for my mistake by allowing myself to engage in sexual activity with someone I knew I had no connection with what so ever but temptation is a bitch and he was fine but again reminded me of the reason I took the vow in the first place. So for that one decision, it delayed my process but also allowed me to think about some things and truly understand why I was doing it and the very importance of being at peace with everything. Everything happens for a reason, its either a blessing or a lesson.

Sex before intimacy, to me, ruins a lot of relationships, not financial issues, now that I pay attention to things. Intimacy is love, the little things mean so much more, a stroke of a finger on your cheek, sensual exchanges of a smile, a simple how was your day babe, looking into each others eyes and seeing everything you need, gentle kisses on the shoulder blades, being in each others company but not having to say a thing, just being, wanting to know each others hearts and learning each others bodies piece by piece, and also not being afraid to be a bit aggressive, exploring the matters of the mind, heart, soul and owning each others bodies 😆. Dammmmnnnn lol I just got excited hahaha but get the picture the simple things.
Relationships, love, intimacy is more of building a respect, a bond, a close and personal responsibility with not only yourself and someone else but also with God. Allowing yourself to be truly naked is the goal and one day I will find that person who I can be just that. He will know and understand my fears, aspirations, goals, quirkiness, insecurities, fantasies, just everything! When that person comes along and that time comes I know I have evolved and grown to love myself and open my heart to receive and experience true love, until then I respect myself enough to not settle for anything less 😁💘.
Heyyy I’m just being honest, or as everyone else says keeping it 100, how about you?